Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
