Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
