I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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