Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
