I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
