I heard we made out
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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