would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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