lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
