Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
