If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
