It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
