TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
