alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
