____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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