my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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