Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
