Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
