News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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