He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
