how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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