So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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