Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
