i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
