Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
