life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
