Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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