There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
