Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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