Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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