she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
