Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
