He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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