i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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