I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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