who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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