Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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