I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
