I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
