Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He felt like a one man threesome
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
