I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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