I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
