i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
