Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
