You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
