do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
