sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
