mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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