I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
