shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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