I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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