MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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