where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
